Birthdays come with obligatory good wishes... Putting aside the truly memorable birthday card from J which had me in tears, the rest were of the more expected variety. Among the most often repeated ones were wishes of everything I would wish for myself, wishes of happiness and health, long life, peace of mind, etc.
I tend not to dwell on these things; people wish others what they wish for themselves, but the many wishes of happiness got me thinking of what happiness for me would be. I used to think of happiness as a goal - something to strive for and, no pun intended, be happy once you've attained it.
I look at myself in the mirror and I'm not the person I used to be but I'm also not the person I want to be. I don't think I'll ever get there. No, I'm not being a pessimist or even a perfectionist. Perhaps a better way of putting it is that I don't ever want to get to the point of where I am exactly who I want to be.
I've gotten what I thought would make me happy before and those of you who know me will remember just how badly that went. I'm just not someone who can be happy without constantly being challenged and striving for something more. Stability and a "settled" life just aren't going to happen. My definition of happiness may be unconventional, but conforming to other people's definitions hasn't gone so well for me.
So to all the well-wishers out there... In this new life I'm crafting now, my fondest wish for myself is that I never run out of walls to scale and dragons to slay.
