Writing Exercise 7Mayonnaise, Pickle, Mustard, Soy Sauce, Relish, Hot Peppers, Ketchup
Use all of these words in a piece that starts: His taste in women was...
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His taste in women wasn't particularly adventurous, but we made it seem more so through our game. The first time Paul likened one of his girlfriends to mayonnaise, smooth but mostly flavorless, Kurt chose to be amused rather than offended. From that day it became a ritual for us to nickname his "friends" after various condiments.
There was Mary Ann, an all-American cutie who loved baseball games and hanging out in a pub any night of the week. She was never without a ball cap pulled low over her blond hair. Her signature look was a t-shirt (short sleeves in the summer, long sleeves in the winter) and a pair of comfy old Levis. She seemed to have an unending supply of trinket jewelry and team jackets, but one thing that never changed was a pair of bright red sneakers. Paul proclaimed Mary Ann to be Ketchup.
Next came Callie. Kurt met her at a bikers' retreat and she was every bit as feisty as his favorite Harley. Wearing short leather skirts and flimsy tops, she was as tough as most of the bikers she hung out with. Barely five feet tall, she had a way of looking at you that made your insides squirm with unease even if you've done nothing wrong. We all agreed that she wasn't one to cross and when Kurt inevitably did, she set fire to his prized collection of porn magazines. For that and her attitude in general, Mark christened Callie Hot Peppers.
After Callie Kurt took a hiatus and we were beginning to wonder if the game was over when Lorraine came on the scene. Lorraine puzzled us for a while. She could be sweet as honey one moment and then turn on you for seemingly no reason. She drove Kurt crazy with her jealous rages for days on end before suddenly declaring that she didn't give a fuck what or who he did. Kurt shrugged when we asked him what he saw in Lorraine, but valiantly soldiered on. Lorraine didn't have a nickname until the day Kurt showed up for an outing sheepishly trying to hide an angry red gash just above his right eye. Walked into Lorraine's temper, was all he said and in response Suzy declared Lorraine to be Relish. Although we all laughed, Suzy's explanation made perfect sense. Sweet, sour or unexpectedly spicy, you never know what you're getting with relish until you pop open the jar and get some on your tongue.
Kurt was the one who came up with the nickname for Sherry. For reasons he refused to explain, Sherry became Pickle. We scrounged for clues to the source of the nickname, but to no avail. Kurt wouldn't tell and wouldn't confirm or deny our guesses.
Perhaps because of the inexplicable nickname, Sherry didn't last long and Kurt was on to Andrea. Andrea's personality didn't lend itself to easy nicknaming, but we persevered. She didn't seem to have any distinctive habits or hobbies. Her interests could have become fodder for our imaginations, had she ever divulged what they are. In speaking with her, she seemed determined to say as little as possible and yet, her presence was quite noticeable. She wasn't particularly likable, but we couldn't pinpoint what we disliked. Finally, walking home after one particularly awkward triple date, Kevin blurted out that Andrea is Soy Sauce. When pressed for an explanation, he pointed out that she was all right in small quantities but intolerable in large volume.
And then there was Lucy... At their wedding, Paul stood up to give a toast. Many of the assembled guests knew about our game, but none knew of the nickname we picked for Lucy; not even Kurt. Paul spoke about Kurt's long search for a partner and about how much we all liked Lucy. He told everyone how well matched Lucy and Kurt are and we all smiled and nodded, knowing what will come next. Paul revealed that in the spirit of continuing the food tradition, we all agreed that Kurt is most like a hot dog - maybe a bit tough and leathery on the outside, but all goodness inside. And so it was that Lucy became Mustard - the perfect complement to a great hot dog.
