There's a character on a Netflix series, House of Cards, that I'm completely, utterly, hopelessly obsessed with. For those of you who know me, I think you can probably guess who the character is, for the rest, it's Claire Underwood. And just to be clear, I'm not talking about the actress, Robin Wright, who plays Claire on the show, I'm talking about the character, Claire Underwood, as portrayed on the show.
I'm certain that I'm not the only one captivated with Claire, given the show's popularity, but for me this is very new. J once asked me, when I pointed out a particularly pretty girl in a cafe to him, whether the girl is pretty in a way that I want to be her or I want to be with her. My answer then, and every time he asked since, was I want to be with her. I like women and I find them sexually attractive. It's fairly rare for me to see a woman and think that I want to look like her. Sure, I might admire what she's wearing or a particularly gorgeous shade of hair, but beyond that, I don't compare myself to anyone or try to imitate them.
Not so this time. I can categorically say that I don't want to be with Claire. I admire and look up to her character and this is a completely platonic appreciation. I find her incredibly, heartstoppingly compelling even if I don't particularly like blondes. I don't want to look like her, I want to be like her. For the first time I realize the allure of a role model, of having someone you want to imitate. I want to be my own version of her.
Over the weeks and months since first being introduced to the show, I've watched it over and over again, zeroing in on the character's voice, tone, gestures, the way she carries herself, her strengths and her weaknesses. There are so many details about her that already resonate with me that I can see myself in what I'm watching. I can see myself acting the same way in some situations and at least understanding, viscerally, why she acts the way she does when I may have chosen a different path.
I have been adopting a lot of the things that I like about the character, but being careful not to copy where things won't fit. Going through my days, I sometimes find myself thinking, would Claire wear this? would Claire eat this? would Claire say or do this? Somehow I'm certain that Claire wouldn't bite her nails and so I've quit cold turkey a month ago.
I've molded myself to other people's expectations or wishes before so this exercise in being a chameleon isn't entirely new, but what's new is the purpose. I'm not doing this for anyone but myself. I am not trying to live up to anyone else's idea of what they find pleasing. This is for me and me alone.
