Not antisocial

I am an introvert.  There, I said it.  It's not like I didn't know that I had those tendencies, but knowing isn't quite the same as boldly admitting it.  It's the difference between being told you drink too much and walking into your first AA meeting.  So, now I've admitted it and in the same breath I'm going to insist that there's nothing wrong with it.  I'm a functioning introvert and the fact that over the years I've expended so much energy trying to prove to people that there's nothing wrong with me makes my insides twist with anger and annoyance.  All that wasted time and effort, all that pretense of being someone I'm not for the benefit of people who told me that I need to go out more, to make more friends, to socialize, to be "normal".

The anger is directed more at myself than at anyone in particular because I do believe that the people who tried to bring me out of my shell meant well.  I'm sure they thought that if only I would try, I'll find the meaning of life that according to them I was missing.  I'm angry at myself for not having had the vocabulary and the conviction to tell them all to f*ck off and leave me in my solitary peace.  I'm angry that I didn't trust myself enough to stand up for what made me happy.

I accept that I'm different in that I dislike many of the things that others find pleasurable.  I don't want to travel, I don't tolerate change well, I don't want to go out and socialize on a regular basis, I don't want to join my co-workers for lunch, I don't enjoy loud and boisterous parties.  If I must, I'll do all of these things and do them with good grace, giving every appearance of enjoying myself, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't rather be home, curled up on a pillow with a book in my hand.  Being good at adapting to whatever the situation calls for isn't the same as wanting to be in that situation in the first place.

Don't misunderstand this as me saying that I don't like people or new experiences.  I like both.  I just like them on a much smaller and less frequent scale than most.  I enjoy occasional new experiences, as long as they are circumscribed and manageable.  I love cooking and experimenting with different foods, but I much prefer doing that in my own kitchen rather than going out to a food festival or to a loud restaurant with a crowd.  I like meeting and getting to know new people as long as it's one or two people at a time.  In this way, I can spend hours talking to a single person, but half an hour in a group just about wipes out all my reserves of energy.

It is then perhaps ironic, knowing these things about myself, that I'm about to embark on a people-centered career.  I'm not sure why I think that I'll do well in an occupation where interaction with strangers is mandatory and forms the foundation of the profession.  Perhaps it's a way for me to push past my own boundaries, to challenge myself to do something that I know I'm not very good at.  

In the end, I think the saving grace for me will be grounded in these two premises: I'll be in control and I'll never be faced with more than one person at a time.  As a devout introverted control freak, I think I can handle that.