Don't think about the pink polar bear

It's a silly kid's joke.

"Don't think about (insert whatever silliness you like here - a pink polar bear in my case)"  

So what are you thinking about right now as you read these words?

Admit it, you thought about a pink polar bear for at least a fraction of a second and then you probably tried very hard to redirect your thoughts and maybe you succeeded, but the only way to know is to ask yourself whether you're still thinking about a pink polar bear and there you go!  It's right there, swimming lazily into your conscience in all its pink, polar beary glory.

Lately there are things that I try very hard not to think about.  You know where this is going...  The harder I try not to think about them, the more they invade my thoughts.  I bargain with  myself.  I tell myself that I'll set aside some time and really focus on those thoughts if only they would leave me alone the rest of the time.  But my thoughts, by virtue of originating in the same place as my good intentions, know me too well and don't believe me.  The longer I avoid them, the angrier they get.  They lie in wait, seething with resentment for being ignored, and the moment I relax my guard, they swarm in, ruthlessly attacking the bit of calm I was trying to enjoy.

I crave order and control and this inability to think about what I want to think about and avoid what I want to avoid feels very disorderly.  I tell myself that this is normal, that everyone has worries and concerns and doubts and fears, but that doesn't help.  The thoughts I don't want to think about snicker derisively in the background, pointing out that I'm no expert on what anyone has or is like; reminding me that I have no friends that I can trust or talk to; confirming my fears that all my worries are my own to solve and deal with.

Where do other people get answers?  When faced with multiple equally feasible options, each carrying costs and rewards, how do others decide which way to go?  How does one logically and systematically think through all the implications of a choice without getting so bogged down in emotions and fears that they instead choose the path of least resistance and just go with what they know?

Hiding from a decision is still a decision.  Ditto for running from one. 

Stalling...  I'm stalling and the thoughts that won't leave me alone know it.  They get buzzier and angrier with each passing day, more determined to break through the veneer of calm, more insistent on being heard or being considered, even if rejected in the end.  They want to be acknowledged.  They want to be validated.  But validation is admission.  And admission is the first step toward the cure.

And I'm not ready to be cured.

Beginnings

So, we are in a new year.  2013 has officially begun.  I'll try to put aside my wholly irrational dislike for the number 13 and my dread of a whole year filled with 13s and consider what my resolutions for 2013 will be.

Every "how to set your resolutions" article I've read in the last week gave essentially the same advice - your resolutions should be realistic, reachable, and specific.

Let's agree at the outset that "realistic" is a matter of opinion.  It's quite realistic for someone else to resolve to not intentionally cut and scar themselves.  It's not all that realistic for me.  Whether a goal is reachable or not is somewhat less vague and it goes hand in hand with it being specific.  Specific goals are reachable (assuming they were realistic in the first place), non-specific goals are usually a waste of time.

I have one other requirement for resolutions, and this is my requirement, not one I'd suggest for anyone else or hold anyone else accountable to.  The requirement is - no trite resolutions.  We all resolve all the time to exercise more, to eat better, to watch less TV, stop nail biting, etc.  None of these will qualify as my 2013 resolutions.

I already know I need to lose weight and exercise more. I readily admit that I watch too much TV and spend too many hours on the couch.  I have tried and failed numerous times to stop biting my cuticles and the skin around my nails.  Did you know that nail biting is now officially classified as a disorder in the DSM IV-R?  Does that mean that I can now stop stressing about it and focus on something else?  Talk about realistic...

At any rate, all of those things are the basics that most people resolve to improve.  In my 2013 resolutions I'm looking for something a bit different; something I haven't already resolved to fix a dozen times before.

And now, on to the resolutions...

~ I resolve to stop feeling guilty about engaging in activities that help me cope with stress.  Perhaps my methods are unconventional, but they work for me and I will resolve to stop adding the stress of guilt on top of the stress heap.  In the spirit of specificity and full self-disclosure, this means that I won't feel guilty when I:

• Use my knife in ways it wasn't intended to be used; 
• Choose to sit alone, in the dark, and drink until my brain shuts off;
• Cannot abide the company of anyone I know and want to be among strangers;
• Gorge myself on work to the point of breakdown;
• Maintain my levels of caffeine at the Energizer Bunny rating;
• Take time for myself to the exclusion of spending it with my family.

~ I resolve to allow myself the luxury of planning and organizing because that's what brings me the greatest measure of control over my life.  I will not let other people's disdain for those things deter or derail me.  I like to plan and schedule; I like to make charts and graphs and draw timelines; I like to organize and arrange and rearrange.  That's how I think and that's what I resolve to continue doing and to hell with everyone else.

~ I resolve to be more balanced in my approach to life; to see both the positive and the negative, rather than focusing on the negative to the exclusion of everything else.  I will  not continue down the path to become someone who sees a hundred things that could go wrong and none that will be fine.  I will resolve to not become someone who always only sees the risks and dangers in everything and never the rewards.  I will not become an unbridled optimist, but I also will not become the person I've spent most of my life trying to avoid becoming.  There is an elusive balance and I will resolve to learn to achieve it.

~ I resolve to not constantly offer my opinion and alternate suggestions unless they are asked for.  Lately I have realized that this is a quality that drives me teeth grindingly mad about a person close to me.  Whatever I say or suggest, this person always has an alternate suggestion.  I couldn't figure out why it drives me so mad when they do this, and then it suddenly came to me.

I think the person thinks that they're being helpful, but in reality, what they're doing is saying "I know you've made a decision, but it's not good enough.  I know better how it (whatever 'it' happens to be) should be done and I'm going to tell you how and why you should do it differently."  This constant offer of contrary suggestions is an implicit disdain for my ability to make my own damn decisions.  Is it any wonder that I'm rarely eager to talk to this person when each time I do, I feel like I have to defend and justify every thought and action?

So, now that I've figured out why it makes me so angry when this person does it, I'm going to resolve to not do it myself.  I will not assume that I know better and I will not assume that the person hasn't already considered what I'm about to suggest.  And if after all that, I do feel that I want to offer a suggestion, I will ask permission first.

~ I resolve to find time every day to do just one thing.  Whatever the thing may be, I will do it with my full attention and without attempting to multitask.  And in the same vein, I resolve to pay attention to my daughter not in addition to whatever else I am doing at the time, but to the exclusion of it.  It won't always be possible, but I resolve to try or explain why my undivided attention can't be given at present.  After all, I expect her undivided attention when I need it and she deserves no less from me.

Those are my resolutions for 2013...  Let the year begin!