Today is one of those days when I'm seething with irritation. I haven't had one of those in a while...
There have recently been days when I've gnashed my teeth in annoyance, when I've had to work hard to hold back tears of frustration, when I didn't manage to hold back tears of sadness. And then there were days when the turmoil of constantly changing emotions made me wonder just what I was feeling anyway.
Today there's no question - today I'm really, really irritated. Granted, my tolerance level for bullshit is particularly low these days.
I think it's fair to say that this will go down as the absolutely most wretched holiday season in the history of my life. At least I hope this is as bad as it gets because I don't think I can handle one that's worse than this one has been so far. I've had a really rough couple of weeks... it's hard to believe it's only been that long, feels like it's been months. Every hour felt stretched and magnified, a bit like looking at the back of your hand under the magnifying glass. You know all those pores are there but you don't really think about them. Just like you know there are all those minutes in all those hours in all those days that normally pass you by unnoticed, but once you stop and really pay attention to it, you realize just how long a single hour can take.
Time has taken on a different dimension these past two weeks. I haven't been able to eat which isn't a bad thing in and of itself, but for me it's highly unusual. I haven't really been sleeping well and I wake up in the morning still feeling like I'm nowhere near ready to face the day.
I've made a decision. A decision that will affect multiple lives. A decision that I hope is the right one, but I don't really know. Does anyone really know if a decision is the right one? I think it is. I'd like to believe it is. Because if it isn't, then it will be a whole lot of upheaval for something that will turn out to be a very costly mistake.
I'm rambling a bit, I know... I am actually, quite spectacularly drunk at the moment. The "I can't stand up without help" kind of drunk. It's not an accident, I got drunk quite on purpose. When the bartender asked what I would like, my answer to him was "I'm trying to figure out how quickly and how drunk I want to get." Nick (the bartender) has known me long enough to know not to ask any other questions. So, I'm on my second gin and tonic and I'm feeling no pain.
And now that I've had enough to drink to effectively pickle my brain, my irritation doesn't seem nearly as important. Did I mention that it's my birthday today? Happy birthday to me...
