What if...?

What if ... ?

What if I had never met J?

What if I had never had Katie?

What if I had not terminated my first pregnancy?

What if I had not cared so much about getting married?

What if I had asked questions about what I want earlier?

What if I had gone on to Law School?

What if I had not gained all that weight as a teenager?

What if I had not lost every shred of self-confidence?

So many possible turning points but impossible to predict which would have led to a different life. Perhaps all. Perhaps none. Perhaps no matter what choices I made I would have ended up in the same place I am now.

But if that were true, then why make choices at all? Because it can't be true? Because not making a choice is also making a choice?

Why ask 'what ifs' about the past? So as not to repeat it? But we never repeat the past anyway. Even if we make the same mistakes we've made time and time again, each mistake results in a different set of consequences so are the mistakes the same? What if the next time you make the same mistake it turns into the best thing you've ever done? Is it still a mistake?

Why ask 'what ifs' about the future? Is there a finite number of 'what ifs'? Can you imagine all of them? Is it a bit like imagining every possible catastrophe that can befall your loved ones and grasp the irrational belief that if you imagine it all in your mind it won't happen in real life?

If you could ask every possible 'what if' and imagine every possible set of consequences for each, would you be any better equipped to make a decision? Would you know what to do or would you discover that you've spent hours and days and years asking questions without any hope of finding answers instead of taking the plunge?

Everything happens... not for a reason, not by design, not even through any predetermined actions on our parts. Everything happens and if you can accept that, then you can move on and face each day as what it is - a brand new day that can bring everything.