Don't think about the pink polar bear

It's a silly kid's joke.

"Don't think about (insert whatever silliness you like here - a pink polar bear in my case)"  

So what are you thinking about right now as you read these words?

Admit it, you thought about a pink polar bear for at least a fraction of a second and then you probably tried very hard to redirect your thoughts and maybe you succeeded, but the only way to know is to ask yourself whether you're still thinking about a pink polar bear and there you go!  It's right there, swimming lazily into your conscience in all its pink, polar beary glory.

Lately there are things that I try very hard not to think about.  You know where this is going...  The harder I try not to think about them, the more they invade my thoughts.  I bargain with  myself.  I tell myself that I'll set aside some time and really focus on those thoughts if only they would leave me alone the rest of the time.  But my thoughts, by virtue of originating in the same place as my good intentions, know me too well and don't believe me.  The longer I avoid them, the angrier they get.  They lie in wait, seething with resentment for being ignored, and the moment I relax my guard, they swarm in, ruthlessly attacking the bit of calm I was trying to enjoy.

I crave order and control and this inability to think about what I want to think about and avoid what I want to avoid feels very disorderly.  I tell myself that this is normal, that everyone has worries and concerns and doubts and fears, but that doesn't help.  The thoughts I don't want to think about snicker derisively in the background, pointing out that I'm no expert on what anyone has or is like; reminding me that I have no friends that I can trust or talk to; confirming my fears that all my worries are my own to solve and deal with.

Where do other people get answers?  When faced with multiple equally feasible options, each carrying costs and rewards, how do others decide which way to go?  How does one logically and systematically think through all the implications of a choice without getting so bogged down in emotions and fears that they instead choose the path of least resistance and just go with what they know?

Hiding from a decision is still a decision.  Ditto for running from one. 

Stalling...  I'm stalling and the thoughts that won't leave me alone know it.  They get buzzier and angrier with each passing day, more determined to break through the veneer of calm, more insistent on being heard or being considered, even if rejected in the end.  They want to be acknowledged.  They want to be validated.  But validation is admission.  And admission is the first step toward the cure.

And I'm not ready to be cured.