Self-control

Delayed gratification, self-denial, self-control, restraint.  All of these are admirable qualities and all are qualities that I struggle with on a daily if not hourly basis.  Self-discipline is another one.  I want to be organized and disciplined.  I want to avoid procrastinating.  I want to be able to control my impulse to express every emotion I feel.  I want to be able to pass by a pastry case and not want to get one of everything and eat until I'm sick.  I want all those things, but I don't want getting them to be this difficult.  I don't want it to be such a constant struggle.

It's all about paths we choose, isn't it?  Coming to the counter in Starbucks, I can choose to get a coffee or a drink with triple the calories.  I can choose to pass by the food or get something that will suffuse me with feelings of guilt before the first bite.

And then there are the near and far consequences and that's where delayed or immediate gratification and self-control step in.  What's more important to me, eating the chocolate brownie or fitting into a corset?  Simple, right?  Of course fitting into a corset is more important and fulfilling than the chocolate brownie.  But the corset is sometime in the hazy future and the brownie, in all its chocolate lusciousness, is right in front of me; available for the asking and $2.95 plus tax.  And while my brain is trying desperately to remind me of the tightening of laces, my stomach is growling and my mouth is watering, already anticipating that first jaw-seizing taste of sweetness.

I want to be good and I want to conquer the demons of indulgence and impatience, but I want shortcuts.  I want it to be easy, effortless.  I want to not want so badly all those things that I fight against every day.

I am someone who likes order. I like things to be neatened away, put together, tied up with a pretty bow, etc.  I don't like unfinished thoughts or arguments and I don't like unfinished battles or battles that have to be fought and won over and over again.  If a battle is fought and won, I expect it to remain won.  And it just doesn't seem to work that way with any of the things I'm struggling with.

Corset or chocolate brownie, indeed.