Being brave

Recently I found myself thinking about bravery. 

I don't mean the "throw yourself on top of a grenade before it explodes to save innocent bystanders" kind of bravery. I have no background or standing to speak of that kind of heroics. 

I am talking about the little bits of bravery.  The things that throw us in a dizzy spin of panic when we consider doing them and we do them anyway.  The "speaking in front of a crowd in spite of panic attacks" kind of bravery.

I've never thoughts of myself as particularly brave.  In fact, for many years I was brought up to be afraid, to not speak out, to not seek adventure, to be cautious, to stay away from all risks.  My parents' motto when raising me was "Tише едешь, дальше будешь" - roughly translated it means, "The slower you drive, the farther you'll get".  Caution was bred in my bones and although I've rebelled against it as a child, it took many more years before I would shrug off the mantra completely.

So, back to bravery...  Something I've found out the hard way is that when you are really nervous about doing something and you force yourself to be brave and do it anyway, it backfires cataclysmically (is that even a word?) when exactly what you were afraid would happen, happens.  The confirmation of your worst fears is exponentially worse when the results of your bravery kick you in the gut.

Of course being brave doesn't always backfire.  In fact, I've found that I've succeeded more often than I've failed and when I had failed, usually I still felt buoyed by the success of trying.  But the few times that being brave has caused me genuine distress and led me to question my trust in myself and my judgment have weighed on my mind much heavier than all the successes.  And the scars those kinds of failures leave tend to be much deeper even if no one sees them but me.

So, to be brave or not?  Today, I'm still smarting from the last bravery inspired miniature disaster so my answer will be a lot more tentative than if you had asked me the same question a couple of weeks ago.  Still, my answer remains the same...

Be brave.  Going slow and getting farther means nothing if you end up in a place you never wanted to be to begin with.