Losing it...

I completely lost it today.

What is 'it', you might ask? 

Self-control.  Composure.  Reason.  Rational thought.  Take your pick... I lost all of them as suddenly as if a bomb had gone off inside me, obliterating all defenses.  No warning, no prolonged prelude of stress or unhappiness hinting at the possibility of a breakdown.  Nothing at all to presage what was about to happen.

The day started off as any other workday does.  I got up at the usual time, got ready for the day, stopped at Starbucks for my usual order of coffee, drove to work, got to the office about five minutes ahead of schedule... So far so good, except that I kept feeling like I wasn't where I was supposed to be.  Nothing specific, just a vague feeling of not wanting to be there and not being up to working.

And then it happened... Barely a half hour after I got to work, in the middle of reading an email, I just crashed.  My hands started to sweat and felt freezing at the same time.  My jaws clenched so hard that I could hear the echo of the teeth grinding in my ears.  I took a deep breath and stopped breathing altogether.  When the breath did come out in a whoosh, I knew I had to get out of there.  It wasn't a panic attack... For lack of a better description, it was an attack of rage.  Not at anyone in particular, just an explosion of emotions so strong that I couldn't even identify the roiling mix, let alone control and tamp it back down.

Minutes later I was in the car and then I drove.  I drove while music pounded through the speakers and drowned out my screams.  I was crying and hyperventilating and at one point just screaming until I was hoarse.  I drove for a couple of hours, staying off the highways at first and then getting on I-5 and heading North.  Each time the tears slowed down and I thought I was done, a fresh burst of rawness would come and it would start all over again. 

I must have gotten off the highway and turned back South because at some point I began to see familiar landmarks again and eventually directed my path home.  By the time I got to the house, my throat was raw but there were no more tears or rage left; all I felt was empty.  I got inside, grabbed a blanket, fell on the couch and fell asleep.  By the time I woke up, it was a little past noon and just like that, it was all over.