There are so many things I could be doing. I could be looking for work (I am), I could be doing things around the house (I do), I could read, write, learn a foreign language, take classes online, join a gym, take up a hobby... you get the point. I could do all of these things, but the motivation to put in the effort is easily squelched by the "why bother?" argument.
I am finding that the mere glut of time and choices is crippling. I need a structure and yet I balk at creating one. I write down schedules and make plans, but as I'm answerable only to myself in most of them, it's easy to let things slide. In the past, I always thought that I lacked the time to do things that are always on the periphery of my activities, but now I'm faced with the uncomfortable truth that it's not time that I lack, it's the discipline.
Most people will probably readily admit that they aren't very good at forcing themselves to do things they don't want to do, but here it's things that I do want to do and yet I'm still not doing them. At least when I was working full time I had the excuse of working and running the house for why I didn't have time for exercising or engaging in other extra-curricular activities. I don't have the work excuse anymore. Sure, I'm spending a lot of time looking for work, but there are only so many jobs available and having applied to every one that sounds the least bit plausible, I'm left staring at the computer screen and feverishly devising yet more excuses for why I'm not going to the gym or taking out my Spanish workbook.
It's disappointing... I had thought that I had conquered my laziness and tendency to procrastinate, but no, it seems like I hadn't. All I did was bury and mask it with layers of busyness. So, on top of my other bad habits of biting my fingers and craving sweets, I now have to add procrastination and laziness. Welcome back, friends.
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