Loops

I don't like leaving things unresolved, be it internal conflicts, arguments, or even an unfinished conversation.  It's true, some conversations are best ended prematurely when you know that nothing good will come from continuing. It's the smarter thing to do and I think everyone has experienced living proof of that particular wisdom.  Except that even if you know it and do the "right" thing, the thoughts left unvoiced and feelings unacknowledged, can eat away at you, replaying endlessly in your mind.

One such loop is haunting me now and although I know I need to let it go, it has burrowed into my thoughts and is refusing to leave.  It wants resolution while I just want it to go away and so we are at an impasse.

I will readily admit, I can be thin-skinned.  Most of the time I have learned to mask it and pretend that things don't bother me nearly as much as they do.  Most of the time I can even convince myself that they don't.  Most of the time.  And then there are times when the combination of people, feelings, and reactions involved leaves me utterly vulnerable and trying to suppress it is like trying to put out a grease fire with water.  It's just not worth the effort, especially when the harder you try, the worse it gets.

Acknowledging it helps a little.  As does letting the loop play over and over again and re-experiencing the feelings, allowing the repetition to slowly dull the impact.  Eventually it always does and I get past it; sometimes in days, sometimes in hours.  But the one thing getting past it doesn't do is what I want the most - it doesn't help prevent the same injury next time.

As much as I may not want to do so, I must acknowledge that some hurts I'll never be immune to.