Playing

It's been so long since I've "played" that I prefer not to think about it...

It's no one's fault...

It's everyone's fault...

It's life's fault.

What does it matter, really?

The truth is, playing is a bit like exercise... The more you do it, the more you want to do it.  It's a rush unequal to any other - mental and physical.  The build up and release are intoxicating.  But, as with intense exercise, once you stop doing it for a while, it's difficult to pick it back up again.  And the more time passes, the more intimidating it seems to step back into the groove that once felt so familiar.

If you haven't played for a while and then you get a chance to, you want to make up for lost time, to pick up where you left off.  But if  you try to do that, you end up taking stupid risks, pushing yourself and getting hurt (and not in a good way).

Or, worse, you end up frustrated because the high just isn't there and instead there is just straightforward pain and discomfort and the mental release never comes.  That feeling of being cheated of your expectations, of not getting what you got before is worse than not playing at all.  Being disappointed by a scene is like having mediocre sex without release - it may have seemed worth it at the time, but in the end it really isn't.

There is no substitute for playing for me...  I've tried other diversions, other ways of disconnecting my brain, but nothing ever provided the same kind of overwhelming relief.  And sure, I could ask permission and perhaps play with someone else, but I have no interest in doing that.  Playing has always meant J, even when we weren't together.   There is no substitute for playing and there's no substitute for J.

So, if playing is not going to be an option for now...  Perhaps it's time to revisit other, however unequal, pursuits.