The truth in signs

"Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. 

These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. With Capricorn as its ruling sign, this is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. 

On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. 

The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it."

Let me make it very clear at the outset...  I don't believe in astrology or fate or destiny or any other deterministic philosophy.  And yet, I do find it utterly fascinating just how closely I resemble the God associated with the Capricorn sign (my sign).

What makes me shake my head now is just how hard and for how many years I've fought against those qualities that I now embrace.  The drive, the desire to be in control, the passion, the explosive bursts of emotion - all of the things that I was brought up and taught to suppress, all of them are right there.  All of them are me. 

Pleasure and abandon, wild behavior, unbridled desires - all of these are things that I spent so many years fighting and tamping down.  My upbringing was filled with admonitions to keep quiet, to not show emotion, to keep my feelings to myself, to not get too excited.  Those admonitions were repeated and harped on for so many years that at some point I've flipped to the other extreme...  Too restrained, too rational, someone who never allowed herself to get passionate or messy or wild.  Someone who forced herself to pretend for years that the farce of a life she was living was what she was supposed to be content with.

Do you know what the absolute worst of it was?  The very worst of it was when the person who spent so many years telling me to control my emotions accused me of being cold and unfeeling and told me to learn to show my feelings.  Now how is that for irony?

I am who I am and I won't apologize for it.   To anyone.