When does "tired" become plain old "depressed"?

Yesterday someone asked me if I'm all right, if anything is wrong.  Actually, three different people asked at various points through the day.  One of them is the kind of person that you know, if he's asking, you must look like you're about to keel over on the spot.  To all these inquiries, I mustered up some enthusiasm, smiled, and replied that I'm fine, just a little tired.

The inquiries got me thinking though...

I have been tired.

I've been tired for days, actually for weeks, actually, since before Christmas.  Realizing how long it's been made me wonder.  Am I really tired?  It's not a physical exhaustion - my lifestyle is depressingly sedentary. I haven't been sleep deprived nor do I have trouble falling or staying asleep, and yet, I wake up most days feeling just as exhausted as I did when I went to bed.  I feel wrung out and listless.  Does that qualify as tired?

I tried to chalk it up to the stress of my new position.  And it's true, my new job role has been taking up a lot of time and has been very stressful.  But if I'm honest (and if you're writing a blog, what's the point in being anything but honest?) I've had periods that were a lot more stressful in the past and I had woken up each morning buzzing with energy and determination to get through it, to learn as quickly as I can, to do well, to do better, to push myself.  I'm not feeling that now.  So, to get to the heart of this post...  Am I tired or am I depressed?

I am so terrified of the latter possibility...  It's a sinkhole.  I've been there before and I can't go through that again.  I won't go through it again.  Twice through that particular Hell was enough.  I won't make it through it again.

I don't know what to do to fix this.

I don't know that there's anything I can do to fix this.

I could go to a therapist, but that hasn't worked before and I doubt it will work now.

I could talk to my friend, but she is not here and while I miss her desperately, talking via email or even on the phone isn't the same.

I miss her so much, it's a physical ache that takes my breath away and makes me want to howl.  She was a colleague; in fact, a colleague I interviewed and advocated hiring.  She and I became friends almost instinctively and then she moved away.  I wish more than anything that she could be here.  I wish we could go for a walk and talk and cry.  I miss her wisdom and her laughter and her "buck up and deal with it" advice that I'm sure to get if I were to lay out my issues.  I just miss her.

I hate feeling sorry for myself.  I hate feeling defeated or beaten down.  Normally, it triggers my instinct to resist and fight, but not today.  Today, I just want to lie down, curl up, hug my cat and cry myself to sleep.  And there isn't a damn thing I can or want to do about it.