It was a dark and stormy night - isn't that the most hackneyed opening for a story? I don't think I've ever actually read a story that began with anything as banal as that. Then again, if I had picked one up, I would likely have put it back down again.
Beginnings... so many possible beginnings to a story. Or to the next phase of one's life. The lack of foresight, the lack of knowing which beginning will lead where, can be absolutely crippling. It can leave one fumbling in place and never truly beginning anything for fear of starting the wrong thing.
Do you even know where a beginning of something is until you're actually engaged in it? Whatever 'it' happens to be... An affair. Something that starts with an innocent glance, a friendly touch, a laugh a bit too warm, a few words a bit too risque but still under the guise of workplace humor. Don't most affairs start in the workplace? Stands to reason... That's where you spend most of your time surrounded by other people, trying to be on your best behavior. Or not.
Do you know when an affair begins? Can you look back and find the moment? You know the moment I am talking about. This is that moment that stands out so clearly in your mind days or weeks or months after it began. Some call it a moment of no return, but that's not always the case. It's not the moment of no return, it's the moment of commitment. It's the moment when you commit to leave the touch at an innocent flirtation or add the smile that says that you've committed. That you are committed.
Commit a crime. Commit to a relationship. Commit code to the trunk. Commit someone to a mental institution. A single word with such a dizzying array of meanings. It's one of the strangest intricacies of the English language and one that I am still coming to grips with. English is not my native language, but as languages go, I couldn't have wished for a better one to adopt as my own. The layers of meaning and nuances that one can achieve are breathtaking. But then there are words like commitment and I just want to hit my head against the wall - is it a verb? Is it a noun? Is it technical? Is it romantic? What the hell does it mean???
Something, nothing, everything... Language is a weapon and a tool, although that right there is redundant. Weapons are tools.
I wasn't allowed to use tools when I was a child and I so desperately wanted to. I wanted to be just like my dad, to do all the things he did. I wanted so badly to be grown up and to be able to help and fix things, but I was a child and I was a girl. So, two strikes against me and no tools allowed.
Language is a tool I learned to use without quite meaning to. I started reading around the age of four and I was so good at it. Without bragging, I was an amazing reader. I had a clear voice and great diction and, horrific panic attacks notwithstanding, I was constantly being volunteered to speak at public events, to read passages from memory, to recite patriotic propaganda. I was a good little pioneer. I was good at many things at that time and I didn't value any of them because no one around me did. I was expected to be good and so I was. End of story.
Being able to do things, almost without trying, was part of who I was and I came to expect it of myself. Language as a tool... And then I lost it all.
Loss is another one of those amoeba words - it has no shape without context. Loss of self-esteem. Loss of weight. Loss of a partner. Loss of fear. Loss of virginity. Say the word enough times and it sounds funny on your tongue, having lost all its meaning - no pun intended.
Some words have shape and heft - no one mistakes them for anything other than what they are. They are unambiguous - love, hate, war, hospital, greed - they are also no fun to use. They carry the weight of all our assumptions and they are already so imbued with meaning that using one in a sentence is like dropping a heavy stone into an aquarium. It causes momentary ripples and then it just sits there with everyone else edging their way around it.
I don't like obvious words. I like words that carry within them the hint of confusion, the chance of a misunderstanding. Chameleons that change their colors and shade everything around them. Words like 'commit'.
I can commit adultery. I am committed to my work. I should be committed.
Chameleon words for a chameleon of a person.
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