~ Were you named for someone?
~ Is it a name of your parents' own creation?
~ If you don't know, make it up...
Be as wild as you like.
Start with: It was a difficult decision...
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It was a difficult decision because I had to settle on just one. There were so many names to choose from, how does anyone pick just one? I wondered how people do it when they are picking names for their kids. I suppose if you have a family tradition of naming the first child after the father or some other similar rule-bound naming conventions, it takes the ambiguity out of the choice. But how do others do it? How does someone pick one name from hundreds and hundreds to be their child's name? Then again, why did I care? I wasn't picking a name for a child - I was picking a name for myself.
For as long as I can remember myself, I've always hated my given name. Both the full and the shortened version. I hated it with a sense of revulsion that I reserved for the sensation of wet clothes sticking to damp skin when you get caught in a downpour on a cold, windy day. The sound of my name, even its diminutive form, set my teeth on edge. My friends all knew of my antipathy - with them my name morphed into its male version which was at least tolerable or got abandoned in favor of a nickname.
It wasn't until years later that I realized that I didn't have to keep the name I had. It was mine and if I didn't like it, I could change it. The realization was like an electrical shock from a faulty outlet - a sudden jolt and an enduring echo of the thought that just wouldn't leave. So, what name to pick?
I started by setting some ground rules. My name was misspelled so often and so hideously that one thing was certain - the name I pick will be one that no one will ever misspell again. I also didn't want to worry about full v short versions, so another trait of my new name was going to be consistency. Just one form of it and it will be clear, crisp, and unambiguous.
And last, but not least, it would be American. Not a name that is so American as to be completely out of character for me, but American enough where people seeing it on paper will not immediately know who I am. Was I trying to hide my origin? Yes and no... I never wanted to hide the fact that I was not born in the United States. I am a foreigner and I am intensely proud of it. I don't know if one can be proud of something they had no hand in... after all, I had nothing to do with being born where I was. But I am proud of the fact that my heritage is one unique strand of what makes me who I am. What I was trying to conceal was not the actual fact of being a foreigner; I was trying to conceal the specifics of where I am from. I want people to know that I'm a foreigner - my looks and my accent are clues enough. But what most cannot tell is where I am actually from and I like that. The wild guesses are amusing too.
Once I settled on those criteria it was time to make a selection. Some of the names I like (Alexandra, Katherine, Samantha) failed on the first two criteria of being spelling error free and not having variations.
Many of the others (Emily, Olivia, Cassie) failed on the third requirement - I am just not a good fit for any of those and anyone who reads this and has met me will be able to attest to that.
Trying on names is not like trying on clothes or shoes. You can't wear it for a bit and return it to the store or consign it to the back of the closet. Picking a name is rather like picking a husband - sure, you can always get a divorce if it doesn't work out, but you don't want to go into a marriage thinking that. And you don't want to pick a name with the thought that if you don't like it, you can change it later. Yet, that's exactly what I did. (With the name, not the husband, for those of you wondering)
I was so paralyzed by the fear of choosing the wrong name that I gave myself an implicit permission to change it if I don't like it. And the name I picked? Jane. Simple, easy to spell, just one form and as generic as you get. It's a name that served me well for years... Until it was time for a change.
My name is no longer Jane, but that's a story for another time. One thing I know for certain is this... I love the name I have now and when it's time, I'll change it again.
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